There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
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Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Seas the day!!!!
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
💯😂
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.