I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
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You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.