@RandomAntics

I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.

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@panmidwest

DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?

ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right

@DirtMcTurd

[first cat being domesticated]

What’s that thing your petting?

“It’s called a cat”

Do they bite?

“Oh ya LOL all the time!”

@_brittanyv

[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme

@AimeeHelene1

I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.

@Playing_Dad

[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.