Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
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DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Customer is always right
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Great ad placement for a funeral director.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.