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*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
No, I don’t think I will.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.