Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
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[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.