“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows

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stand-up is an industry built around pretending they make you say the italian words at starbucks. every time i’ve asked for a “medium coffee” they just give it to me. not once has the exhausted teen behind the counter ever been like “no say the italian word.”


I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.


Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.


My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.


If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you! Knees to chest damnit! KNEES TO CHEST


i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes


It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.


[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender


Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it