@Jason_Horton

“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows

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@andrew_durso

stand-up is an industry built around pretending they make you say the italian words at starbucks. every time i’ve asked for a “medium coffee” they just give it to me. not once has the exhausted teen behind the counter ever been like “no say the italian word.”

@Ophelia_808

I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.

@KentWGraham

Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.

@dadmann_walking

My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.

@FillWerrell

If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you! Knees to chest damnit! KNEES TO CHEST

@popespeed

i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes

@NintenDom

It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.

@chuuew

[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender

@envydatropic

Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it