Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
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mariah carrie
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Nice try Hitler
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…