“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
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I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Speak now or ever hold your peace
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”