i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
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DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
bury ourselves
(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
