I’m about to risk it all
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Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack