She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
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[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
I’m no Exorcist, but i did scare the hell out of someone once.
I want a relationship like from Up.
She dies and I get a flying house.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.