@writerPT

I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.

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@LukeEMiaPI

She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.

@Cpin42

[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out

@WilliamAder

They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.

@hiren_aajra

Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You

@funnyordie

Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.

@stephenjmolloy

[Murderer breaks into my house]

Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”

@FreudsTwin

I’m no Exorcist, but i did scare the hell out of someone once.

@DavidRaymondT

I want a relationship like from Up.

She dies and I get a flying house.