@writerPT

I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.

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@goolicker

There is a special place for people who leave long voicemails,

but until the ground thaws, they stay in the freezer.

@sluuttyyy

you either don’t eat cereal for months or you eat 3 bowls in one night there is no in between

@QwertyJones3

TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future

ME: Really? Who wins the election?

TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace

ME: You need to be more specific

@murrman5

[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know

@pakalupapito

roses r red

violets r blue

sunflowers r yellow

i bet u were expecting someting romantic but no this is just gardening facts

@skylerhanrath

If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.

@emsykay

This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.

@DaddyJew

What the hell do you mean Buzzfeed isn’t a reliable news source, it knew exactly what kind of pancake I’d be

@mdob11

No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.