There is a special place for people who leave long voicemails,
but until the ground thaws, they stay in the freezer.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
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you either don’t eat cereal for months or you eat 3 bowls in one night there is no in between
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
roses r red
violets r blue
sunflowers r yellow
i bet u were expecting someting romantic but no this is just gardening facts
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
What the hell do you mean Buzzfeed isn’t a reliable news source, it knew exactly what kind of pancake I’d be
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Were there this many idiots before the Internet?