What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
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If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.