I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
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If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission