Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
I’m actually not looking forward to my wife having the baby. I hate meeting new people
You Might Also Like
*found in the netflix horror section*
“Mary has a secret that’ll TEAR YOU APART”
Movie name: Mary piranha
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
I told my 3 year old that Skittles are Care Bear meat and now I have the bag to myself.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
him: what are u wearing
him: do u want to slip into something more comfortable
me: more comfortable than overalls? wtf