You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
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the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
the red hot silly peppers
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)