@Home_Halfway

I’m actually not looking forward to my wife having the baby. I hate meeting new people

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@mommajessiec

Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.

@Great_JENetics

*found in the netflix horror section*
“Mary has a secret that’ll TEAR YOU APART”
Movie name: Mary piranha

@SwedishCanary

Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.

@MissSassy_Pants

Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.

Me: Yup!

Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.

Officiant: Do you take this man?

Me: I do!

@samfromks

I told my 3 year old that Skittles are Care Bear meat and now I have the bag to myself.

@mrjohndarby

[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home

@jessokfine

What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.

@flashember

[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]

@julietactually

him: what are u wearing
me: overalls
him: do u want to slip into something more comfortable
me: more comfortable than overalls? wtf