Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
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Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
2022 be like
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.