@Phook75

I’m actually not sure if the Wife decorated the tree really well or she just created the best Lady Gaga outfit in history

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@1followernodad

Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.

@kelly__le

*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”

It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”

@exarctly

[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa

@FU_TangClan

Me: My wife says I never pay attention

Her: I’m not your wife

@calamitydaisy

I feel a burst of superiority when I trick a fly into flying out of my car window.

@BikiniBabeLover

“PIZZA” IS ACTUALLY AN ANAGRAM…

P – PLEASUREFUL
I – INTERESTING
Z – CANT THINK OF ONE
Z – CANT THINK OF ONE
A – “AGG”-CELLENT

@dafloydsta

WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause

WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet

@thedad

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps

@ArfMeasures

Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me

Therapist: That’s where I can help

Me: Great

Therapist: They don’t