[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
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“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?