I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
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I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
When your teen is already bigger than you are…