I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
You Might Also Like
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”