@reczit

I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.

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@ibid78

[my hot coworker Brenda & I at gates of Hell]
BRENDA: we finally closed the gate, what should we seal it with?
ME: a kiss?
B: don’t do that

@Dexxe

These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.

@michaelianblack

As new head of Westboro Baptist Church, I’m expanding who God hates. To start: delivery guys, vegetarians, and people who do Sudoku.

@SamSykesSwears

God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol

@markedly

Finally thought of a retort to my bro’s friend who kicked me from his car in 1998
I don’t need your Camero anyway Ricky MY LIFE is a joyride

@RichNeville

A few people on here are having fun communicating with their neighbours using messages placed in windows, so I’m joining in.

@Tierno158

Doctors in Zurich, Switzerland, in a 14-hour operation, successfully separated the conjoined Facebook account of a husband and wife.

@Gooooats

I live in my parent’s basement so I had to dig a deeper basement for my kids to live in. In 20 generations we will reach the Earth’s core.