I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.

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[my hot coworker Brenda & I at gates of Hell]
BRENDA: we finally closed the gate, what should we seal it with?
ME: a kiss?
B: don’t do that


These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.


As new head of Westboro Baptist Church, I’m expanding who God hates. To start: delivery guys, vegetarians, and people who do Sudoku.


God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol


Finally thought of a retort to my bro’s friend who kicked me from his car in 1998
I don’t need your Camero anyway Ricky MY LIFE is a joyride


A few people on here are having fun communicating with their neighbours using messages placed in windows, so I’m joining in.


Doctors in Zurich, Switzerland, in a 14-hour operation, successfully separated the conjoined Facebook account of a husband and wife.


I live in my parent’s basement so I had to dig a deeper basement for my kids to live in. In 20 generations we will reach the Earth’s core.