I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
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mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.