@reczit: I'm afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
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@sofarrsogud: ON PHONE WITH MY MOM HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family? ME: *proudly* No I am not! *high fives my pet penguin
@Cravin4: I'm so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note. "Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us."
@jonnysun: [throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond] "HEY! NO LITERING--" shh wait [a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
@dreamsinchocola: My husbands signature move is running to town "real quick" and coming home 5 hours later.