I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
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HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!