I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
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HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert