[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
I’m aging like a fine banana
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Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
This was the best day of my life
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
“I want to press charges on my co-worker Steve.”
“What’d he do?”
“Warmed up fish in the office microwave.”
*draws a sharpie mustache on my grandma*
lol you cant hang loser.
passin out w/ shoes on? rookie
“Sir please step away from the casket”
So you kill them with kindness but then what do you do with the bodies WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THE BODIES SO MANY BODIES OH GOD