@dumbbeezie

I’m aging like a fine banana

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@ch000ch

[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]

@MatCro

Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.

@lurve_meh

It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.

@BriarSlyMadness

*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*

“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”

@Wakenbake77

Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

@DirtyySouthMess

[To police.]

“I want to press charges on my co-worker Steve.”

“What’d he do?”

“Warmed up fish in the office microwave.”

“…Cuff him.”

@SenseiSandwich

*draws a sharpie mustache on my grandma*
lol you cant hang loser.
passin out w/ shoes on? rookie
“Sir please step away from the casket”

@ashley_barnhill

So you kill them with kindness but then what do you do with the bodies WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THE BODIES SO MANY BODIES OH GOD