I’m aging like a fine banana
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People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice