I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
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Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Succinctly put.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can鈥檛 find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he鈥檚 been sitting on my phone*
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
I almost walked out of the dentist鈥檚 office without putting my pants back on.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Where there鈥檚 a will there鈥檚 a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Women鈥檚 skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Her: I love you
Me: What鈥檇 I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what鈥檇 you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 馃槶
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I鈥檓 hoping for the best
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don鈥檛 need that kind of negative talk..
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair