im all 3
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Best spoiler warning ever
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person