You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
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My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’