I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
You Might Also Like
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
I hope they boil the right one.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.