when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
You Might Also Like
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
I need this for my side hustle.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter