@im_tommypickles

IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE

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@KaylaChowShow

People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.

Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.

@HenpeckedHal

My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?

@MrMichaelRose

*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*

@Donna_McCoy

I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.

@graceupongracie

Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure

@TheAlexNevil

People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.

@SSDated

This guy in the elevator asked for my number so I wrote it on his arm. Apparently he meant which floor, so that was awkward.

@CornOnTheGoblin

my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]

@SirEviscerate

Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.