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People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.

Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.


My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?


*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*


I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.


Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure


People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.


This guy in the elevator asked for my number so I wrote it on his arm. Apparently he meant which floor, so that was awkward.


my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]


Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.