I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
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Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?