I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
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Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Good boy 😂😂
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*