[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
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it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
when you are just born a rebel
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”