@stockejock

I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.

You Might Also Like

@freypalm

Cowboy: Wake up Lou—somethin’s spookin’ the horses.

[outside]

Horse: [shining flashlight in face] But this “Apple Store”… HAD NO APPLES.

@sarcasticmommy4

I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.

@jonnysun

WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one

@AngrEdmontonian

Apparently, “Step up your game” isn’t the correct response when your neighbour brings over fresh cookies, and your wife asks how they are.

@Dawn_M_

Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.

@UncleDuke1969

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.

@ThaJawn

Dinosaurs probably spelled Tuesday, ‘Ptuesday’

@YayatiSB

My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.

@rockymomax

[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope

@ilovepie84

When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.