Cowboy: Wake up Lou—somethin’s spookin’ the horses.
Horse: [shining flashlight in face] But this “Apple Store”… HAD NO APPLES.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
You Might Also Like
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Apparently, “Step up your game” isn’t the correct response when your neighbour brings over fresh cookies, and your wife asks how they are.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Dinosaurs probably spelled Tuesday, ‘Ptuesday’
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.