I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
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Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
If only.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.