@Robert_Beau

I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.

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@ShortSleeveSuit

I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs

@The_JRM

“Why are you glowing?”

“I’ve been eating light.”

@TheOnion

Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?

4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.

@Only_Fast_Eddie

People tell me that I have a unique way of lighting up a room. It’s called arson and those people are called witnesses.

@GlennyRodge

“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.

@eliyudin

“As a side dish to your burrito would you like all the things that are inside the burrito, again?” – Mexican restaurants

@MommaUnfiltered

Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…

so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.

@funnybeachgirl

Friday night plans

*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac