I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
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“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
rolls sleeve
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears