I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.

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Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.

Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.


I just cut my hand on a box of band aids if you were wondering how I’m doing at life


*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME


Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.


Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance


Accidentally used 13’s shower gel, so I just copped a huge attitude, yelled at everyone and slammed some doors.


DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice


My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?


“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag


I lovingly caress my belly.

“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.

I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.