Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@sixfootcandy

Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.

Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.

@flukyness

I just cut my hand on a box of band aids if you were wondering how I’m doing at life

@murrman5

*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME

@sofarrsogud

Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.

@pleatedjeans

Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance

@thebeckyard

Accidentally used 13’s shower gel, so I just copped a huge attitude, yelled at everyone and slammed some doors.

@rockymomax

[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice

@NYorNothing

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?

@SvnSxty

“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag

@batkaren

I lovingly caress my belly.

“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.

I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.