I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.

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I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs


“Why are you glowing?”

“I’ve been eating light.”


Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation


Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?

4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.


People tell me that I have a unique way of lighting up a room. It’s called arson and those people are called witnesses.


“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.


“As a side dish to your burrito would you like all the things that are inside the burrito, again?” – Mexican restaurants


Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…

so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.


Friday night plans

*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac