Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
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I just cut my hand on a box of band aids if you were wondering how I’m doing at life
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Accidentally used 13’s shower gel, so I just copped a huge attitude, yelled at everyone and slammed some doors.
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.