Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
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I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.