I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
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When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.