@SadieSkyNinja

I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.

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@vladchoc

Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.

@AngelaEhh

Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.

I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.

@lawbsterfest

Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.

@trojansauce

NIETZSCHE: god is dead! he remains dead! and we have killed him!
ME AS NIETZSCHE’S LAWYER: your honour we’re gonna need a recess

@BuckyIsotope

*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon

@bea_ker

WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim

WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job

@goodballs

[sees girl reading Lord of the Rings]
“Ah I love that book. The way that guy is just [clenches fist] the Lord of all those freakin rings.”

@Thynebear

[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.

@beefman138

*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls

[At Police Station]

“You can make one phone call”

*Dials random #

“Is your fridge running?”