I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
You Might Also Like
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
And that about sums it up.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?