I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
You Might Also Like
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
you gotta be faster
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
good morning
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
the official breakfast of 2021
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.