I’m always caught between a rock and someone I want to throw it at.

You Might Also Like


You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.


Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.


30: nice tv in front of the treadmill. Good way to pass the time while I’m getting in shape.

40: nice tv in the bedroom. Treadmill for sale, lightly used.


[approaches cute girl in library]
Yo babe are you Jamaican bc you’re Jamaican a lot of noise please keep it down people are trying to read


I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’


Some people are shocked when they find out I have a degree from Harvard. It’s not my degree, found it at a yard sale. But still, I have it.


Sometimes you meet someone and know right from the start that you want to spend your whole life without them.


karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple


my bully brad: you’re stupid

me: where is your place of worship


wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him

me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six

puppy: holy shit