@AnExocticBeach

I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?

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@poutinesmoothie

Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.

@TheRealPalMal

I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.

@AudreyPorne

I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money

@LogicLaughs

I’m Not A People Person, Or A Morning Person, Or An Evening Person, Or A Going-Out Person, Or A Staying-In.. I’m Not Even Sure I’m A Person.

@JimmerThatisAll

I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.

@DeadLioness

Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?

@QwertyJones3

Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?

Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.

@Mikecanrant

There is absolutely nothing wrong with yelling “I HAVE THE POWEEER!” like He-Man after cooking an omelette that doesnt stick to the pan.

@LaComtesseJamie

I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”