I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
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[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
this is how life feels
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
#Caturday
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again