@Birdhumms

I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.

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@Marlebean

Fun game:
Text your mom on Thanksgiving afternoon “How many minutes do I microwave a 25lb frozen turkey?”

@elynnbarlow

*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*

@einsteinsexual

Stereotypes are just like regular types, except every time someone almost kills me, while I’m driving, it’s an Asian person.

@cepheusjackson

ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*

MOM: *shouting* use your words!

MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!

@iJohnKnoxville

Someone needs to open a bar called “The Gym”. Then I too can be annoying on Facebook by posting how I’m always at the gym.

@Reverend_Scott

[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”

Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.

[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”

Haha no, he went to Disney World.

@ArfMeasures

ME: *realises I’ve just stepped on an ant* oh no

JOHN WICK: Has anyone seen my pet ant?

ME: OH NO

@shkeeber

One time I intentionally asked a thin woman “when she was due” because I was bored. So yeah, I guess you could say I’m into extreme sports.

@HepatitisAtoZ

her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*

me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*