Text your mom on Thanksgiving afternoon “How many minutes do I microwave a 25lb frozen turkey?”
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
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*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Stereotypes are just like regular types, except every time someone almost kills me, while I’m driving, it’s an Asian person.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Someone needs to open a bar called “The Gym”. Then I too can be annoying on Facebook by posting how I’m always at the gym.
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”
Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
ME: *realises I’ve just stepped on an ant* oh no
JOHN WICK: Has anyone seen my pet ant?
ME: OH NO
One time I intentionally asked a thin woman “when she was due” because I was bored. So yeah, I guess you could say I’m into extreme sports.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan