I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
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The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses