I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
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(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns