I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.

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If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.


[deciding when to tweet]

Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet


*Holds centipede up to your cheek as you’re sleeping and whispers*

Hey baby, the restraining order said a hundred feet…


I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.


Me: [going in for a hug]



[first date]

HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.

ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.


Him: Can I have your number?

Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.


Kid: why do cookies look so happy?

Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked

Kid: I wanna get baked

Me: me too kid… me too


1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”