I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
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Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.