I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.

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So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”

…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.


I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt


Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.


[a loud action sequence gets suddenly quiet and all you can hear in the theatre is me talking to the guy next to me] sell me your popcorn


On my first day of college my dad’s only advice was “don’t date any of your teachers!” Yeah right dad, everyone knows teachers are poor.


My bank has informed me that Twitter followers can not be used as collateral for a car loan. You guys are useless.


this is the worst weather ive ever seen
“what about when the wind had sharks in it?”
that was a movie dad
“oh excuse me weather expert”


I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.


After 50 years of failed embargoes and isolation the US is about to unleash its most obnoxious weapon on Cuba to date…the American tourist.