[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
You Might Also Like
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.