I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
You Might Also Like
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.