@gorrdano

I’m always ready with my mallet when sewer workers poke their head up from under a manhole.

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@senorlumpy

You mean the world to me.

Wife: You’re talking to the tacos aren’t you?

This is correct.

@TheMichaelRock

No thanks, World Cup. If I wanted to watch dudes run around for 3 hours and leave with a tie, I’d just go to Sears.

@TheBoydP

Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond

Wife: You used a coupon right?

Me: Coupon?

*wife faints*

@neiltyson

Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.

@justokdane

spider: sup

me: omg stay away

spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider

me: there’s good spiders?

spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you

@copymama

My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.

@lincnotfound

bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery

banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*

bank robber: *points gun* not that cool

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in

PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing

@geekysteven

AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM: