You mean the world to me.
Wife: You’re talking to the tacos aren’t you?
This is correct.
I’m always ready with my mallet when sewer workers poke their head up from under a manhole.
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No thanks, World Cup. If I wanted to watch dudes run around for 3 hours and leave with a tie, I’d just go to Sears.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM: