I’m always ready with my mallet when sewer workers poke their head up from under a manhole.

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The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.


I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it


There is a ‘you can kill them if you catch them within a minute’ rule on people who wake you up. EVERYONE knows that.

*sharpening knife*


A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.


[first day as Uber driver]

Me: any song requests?

Passenger: no thanks

Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?


Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.

Wrapping paper: *rips*


When someone says “excuse me while I slip into something more comfortable”, how long are they usually gone? Two days seems like a long time.


If you guys don’t hear from me for the next 72hrs, no worries, I’ll just be stirring risotto


Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.


My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.