@gorrdano

I’m always ready with my mallet when sewer workers poke their head up from under a manhole.

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@JohnLyonTweets

Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?

Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.

@Darlainky

I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.

@Cheeseboy22

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

@heymonroe

Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.

@mejustbeth

Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.

@Havish_AF

You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.

@shalaylaa

Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day

@MartaEffing

*leaning seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*

Me: how much for the entire case?
Donut shop clerk: ma’am, $8.99 a dozen

@3sunzzz

I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.