The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
I’m always ready with my mallet when sewer workers poke their head up from under a manhole.
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I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
There is a ‘you can kill them if you catch them within a minute’ rule on people who wake you up. EVERYONE knows that.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
When someone says “excuse me while I slip into something more comfortable”, how long are they usually gone? Two days seems like a long time.
If you guys don’t hear from me for the next 72hrs, no worries, I’ll just be stirring risotto
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.