Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
I’m always ready with my mallet when sewer workers poke their head up from under a manhole.
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I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
*uses Ouija board*
??? ????? ??? ???
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
*leaning seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Me: how much for the entire case?
Donut shop clerk: ma’am, $8.99 a dozen
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.