#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
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I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.