Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
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Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Siri: Retweet me.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh