@CHofferCBus
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
@bobvulfov
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
@girlontapas
Me at work: If there’s an emergency, you can text me.
Next day: Allow me to define “emergency”.
@meghaffer
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
@weinerdog4life
My wife doesn’t know this, but for the first 3 years of our marriage I thought we were supposed to share a toothbrush.
@yoyoha
I bet Hannibal Lecter was pretty disappointed when he found out a five finger discount had nothing to do with purchasing fingers.
@0point5twins
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
@VitaeArcanum
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
@iGreenGod
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
@doublewenis
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
@mountainlex