@mountainlex

I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

You Might Also Like

@CHofferCBus

My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.

Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.

Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.

Me: I did not.

Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.

Me: I’m not feeding you.

Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.

@bobvulfov

[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding

@girlontapas

Me at work: If there’s an emergency, you can text me.

Next day: Allow me to define “emergency”.

@meghaffer

Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex

@weinerdog4life

My wife doesn’t know this, but for the first 3 years of our marriage I thought we were supposed to share a toothbrush.

@yoyoha

I bet Hannibal Lecter was pretty disappointed when he found out a five finger discount had nothing to do with purchasing fingers.

@0point5twins

– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?

– Rhino

– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn

@iGreenGod

My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.

My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.

@doublewenis

Hey…quick question, fellas:

Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?