My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
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ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Me at work: If there’s an emergency, you can text me.
Next day: Allow me to define “emergency”.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
My wife doesn’t know this, but for the first 3 years of our marriage I thought we were supposed to share a toothbrush.
I bet Hannibal Lecter was pretty disappointed when he found out a five finger discount had nothing to do with purchasing fingers.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?