@mountainlex

I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

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@offbeatoliv

Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.

@ewfeez

[Kool-Aid Man breaks thru wall]
Oh ya!
[breaks 2nd wall]
Oh ya!
[3rd wall]
OHHH YEAAHH!
[breaks 4th wall]
I’ve had many, many concussions

@INTERNETRICO

she wears short skirts
i do tax fraud
she’s cheer captain and
i’m in jail for tax fraud

@NoticablyBacon

My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free

@Shaydozer

At the gym I go to there is a dumpy soft bodied dude who sits on the floor while his mega hot Instagram model gym girlfriend works out. They smile & talk to eachother but he never works out he just chills alone playing on his phone

Anyway he’s the most alpha dude at the gym 100%

@MomofTeen

The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.

@envydatropic

I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.